It's the time that Benny gets emotional

Oh there is just too much going on... I'd really like to jump off earth for a bit. Just to compose myself and to prevent myself from simultaneously screaming and crying. On the surface I look fine, great even. I seem to be coping. But that's always my problem, I seem fine so I tell myself I'm fine and then my body starts to crack and fall apart I then I realise I'm so not fine.

So I'm trying to step ahead and pick up what is wrong, what is happening and trying to feel it and I guess intellectualise it... because that's what I tend to do.

So what's happening...

Well I'm recovering from the flu (yes I did spend the entire weekend in bed and only got up on Sunday to do shopping for a Christmas party I'm hosting for an orphanage and to watch New Moon).

I'm having a reaction to the creams prescribed for me by my dermatologist. My skin is sensitive, tight, red and flaky - beautiful!

My mouth has been in agony from the blitz of fillings AND I have to go back for two more tomorrow.

I'm premenstrual .

I've changed companies and it has knocked me more than I thought it would.

I have to make some big decisions for the oncoming year, particularly in my career and I need to tread carefully as it affects both MM and I.

My dad is going in for a big operation and being far from him is rather stressful.

I'm missing my family.

I know I have another month of work to get through.

A very good friend of mine's father has been diagnosed with terminal cancer, there is nothing more that they can do for him and seeing him breaks my heart.

All of this has gotten the better of me and while I'm trying to keep positive I'm rather teary. As soon as I hear a soft voice I want to burst into tears.

In fit of emotion I sent this mail to my family and MM:

Hello family

Feeling a bit emotional this week.

It could the culmination of mass dental work, a chemical reaction to the creams prescribed for me by my dermatologist, flu, being premenstrual, moving companies or the pending holiday season.

It probably is all of the above or more reasonably because I’m an emotional being.

But most probably it could be because MM and my very good friend's dad has been diagnosed with terminal cancer and there is nothing they can do.

So I don’t want to wait a second longer to let you all know that you, your partners and your kidlets are the most important people in the world to me. I love you more than anything and there is nothing I wouldn’t do for you – the cost of a flight is nothing if it means that I will put a smile on your face.

I love you all very much and wish I could hug you all, but I would probably end up sobbing on your shoulder.

I never want you to forget this or doubt this.

Right, now I just need to work out how I’m going to make it through the next month of work.

Have an awesome day.

Xxx

Yes I know it's dramatic, yes I know this too shall pass and all those other cliches... but right now I need to face what I'm feeling and face what's going on... I think the main reason that I'm having all these physical side effects is because I keep putting on a happy face and believing I'm just fine. I'm all for optimism but sometimes you have to face what you're feeling to move through it. So for now, I'm really trying to face what's going on in my life.

I'm trying

I'm trying I really am trying to be positive here but my goodness it is tough. My mouth is still sore from the dreaded fillings, I've been at work since 6am (and will probably be working until 6pm at the earliest), it's storming and freezing cold outside and it's not even noon and I've already eaten my lunch!

Oh and I have a scratchy throat, feel achy all over and would really rather be watching Gossip Girl in bed. Plus I want to buy myself pretty things but all my bills have absorbed any extra penny I may have.

Talk about a rant...

Right so here are my keep positive points for today:

I get paid next week Wednesday!

I'm going shopping for gifts for the kids at the orphanage this weekend.

MM said we can get a big Christmas tree so I'll be buying ornaments this weekend!

I have soup and watermelon which I can eat a bit later and if that doesn't cheer me up I can get a chocolate from the vending machine.

I can sleep in on both Saturday and Sunday mornings.

Tomorrow it is six weeks until I go overseas again.

I've started my eczema medication so soon I should have smooth and non-flakey skin.

No deadline next week so lots of pilates classes.

I can wake up to Nespresso coffee and biscotti tomorrow morning.

I have a packet of Quality Street chocolates in my cupboard.

I can make choc chip cookies this weekend.

Can you tell it's cold? All my positives are to do with food - ha! Happy Fridays to y'all!

Oh the pain

I do need to get over myself... but it's been a tough few days. I've had two fillings, I have another appointment and oh my word it was sore. I hated every minute of it and was actually scared. I flinched when he came near me with the needle. I don't react well to the anesthetic and my jaw is so sore after having it open for an hour and a half and now I can barely chew.

I'm not happy.

Oh and I've paid him R2700 already!

Nevermind the R2000 I've paid for my skin because I have stress-induced eczema. Sorry that I'm having have a pity party but it is not fab to be Benny at the moment.

I need to go to rest and lick my wounds and possibly focus on why it is fab to be Benny - I'm open to suggestions - ha!

Okay let me embrace my love for lists and all things positive:

I have the most wonderful, special, handsome, thoughtful, loving... did I say handsome... fiance that really understands that I'm feeling low and let's me wallow a bit. He's also helping me pay for all my medical bills as he knows I didn't anticipate these costs and would really rather be spending my money in Rio and Buenos Aires in January.

I have some post coming my way - I heart snail mail.

I'll be sending snail mail soon - it's a two-way street with me!

The fabulous Blue is coming to visit me in two weeks.

In just over a month I'll be going on leave.

I have a new package through the new company and it looks like I might be getting more money out!

It now takes me three minutes to get to work (literally)!

I'm going to watch New Moon this weekend.

I'm now working in the same building as one of my most favourite people in the whole wide world so we can do tea and coffee breaks together!

I saw a wardrobe item I have wanted for ages and it is half the price of everywhere else!

There might be a new opportunity on the horizon.

I'll keep thinking...

Sometimes even positive gals get the blues

There's no denying it, I have the blues. While I gave my best effort to remain positive, I'm afraid the news I received this morning has pushed me lower than ever.

I went for a check up at the dentist. A check up because my teeth don't give me problems. At the age of 27 I am filling free. This makes me happy because I have struggled with many things in my life, namely acne. It hardly seemed fair to have a painful teeth and skin. This morning my usual happy dental visit was shattered when he uttered the words, "You have problems." The problems he speaks of is that I require FOUR FILLINGS! I couldn't hold back when he told me and actually burst into tears! Shame poor guy felt extremely awkward and stiffly patted my arm and told me he would be gentle.

I explained that I honestly couldn't care about the pain, I'm far more concerned about the fact that I have an beautiful, untouched pearly whites and now I have tarnished, disgusting filling filled teeth. I felt like I was six years old again and my brother was taunting me about "Harry the Germ". The fictitious character my parents invented to prevent us from eating sweets when we were young.

I want to a new set of teeth please! Since the dentist could see that I was flabbergasted (largely because I floss and brush religiously) he explained that it all dates back to my piece-of-shit orthodontist. I know he was crap, it took him three and half years to do a two-year job and it would seem his poor handiwork has left the imprint of cavities on my mouth.

So, I've now scheduled two appointments to do these dreaded tasks. I've opted for white fillings because I want to maintain the illusion of being untouched. So now I have to find around R2000! Awesomeness. For some reason, my health always seems to take a beating a few weeks before Christmas and then ends up costing me far too much money. Remember last year?

Added to this, one of my freelance jobs has told me they won't need anymore stories for the rest of the year and the idea, the excitement, the one thing keeping me going seems to be put on ice.

I'm going to the dermatologist on Thursday - give me strength because if I find out I have a rare and expensive skin disorder I will have a nervous breakdown... oh wait I do, it's called acne and I suppose it's not that rare!

Here I am

I had the most phenomenal time in Cape Town. While it's always so nice to have a good four-day break in my home city to remind me what I'm missing out on, MM did not join me so it was great to return home to him.

I can't even begin to tell you how cute my nieces and nephew are, I just had the most fun running around the beach with them, making up songs, running in the water, climbing on the rocks, sneaking cuddles and loves and watching them tackle new challenges. They are just my absolute best.

I'm grasping for inspiration at the moment and while I'm battling to not wish time away, I really can't wait until the holidays. However, so much has to be achieved before then. I am making endless lists of what I need to do and trying not to let the year-end slump hit. The exciting ideas I have, I'm not sure where they are headed... a lot is in the air and my head is a bit of a mess. A few people around me are going into therapy and it has me wondering whether I should. Things just seem to go much deeper with me than with others. I seem to hang onto things for longer and right now, I'm just feeling a bit useless.

I'm just not all there... or is that here?

Will you look what I got...

Do you remember that I won a prize on the lovely Being Brazen's website. The prize was from the equally lovely Wren and I finally got my prize on Saturday...

I actually had quite a fight with the post office because they did not send me my "to collect" slip and then shunted me from one queue to the next because of their inefficiency... so I didn't really "Keep calm and carry on" as the motif of my prize suggests but if there's one thing I can't stand it is poor service.

Look at my beautiful prize... I am so excited about it.

Ooo a personalised note and look what's inside...

Look how beautifully it's presented and look at the inside (woah what's that on my finger!)

I love all the details like the covered button - I have a secret obsession with covered buttons - and the explanation about this motif!

I think this will be very handy for jotting down inspiring quotes! I LOVE to write in pencil!

Thanks so much to both Being Brazen and Wren for the prize, it really is wonderful. Wren I just need to make a special note to thank you for the beautiful packaging - I am ALL about packaging and presentation and I loved every step of the unwrapping process, not to mention receiving a parcel in the post.

My weekend was great, it is always wonderful and scary getting paid on a Friday because then you have the whole weekend to recklessly spend your salary in the blissful mindset that you're rich. Only when the working week arrives do you suddenly discover that you really are not quite so rich and it is possible that you've spent your grocery money... this is all hypothetically speaking of course!

I managed to reign myself in and just bought some cosmetics, christmas presents and then groceries and toiletries - all of which I loved buying. I did cave in and treat myself to some accesssories because Sass Diva was having a sale and I have a serious weakness for accessories... just earrings and a necklace and I think they are awesome.

While on a whole my weekend was great, I came out of it feeling a bit somber. It could be that I'm feeling a bit hurt, it could be that I'm sad I missed my niece's third birthday party or it could be that I am feeling anxious about all the change that is happening in my life.

We were supposed to move offices this week but a few finer details have to be ironed out so now it looks like we'll only move at the end of November, possibly even mid-December. I am really using this as an opportunity, but the self doubt is settling in. I'm trying to keep positive and believe that I can do what I want to do! My sister keeps reminding me "Don't be bleak, be beautiful", which makes me think of Rebecca's mantra of "Don't be sad, be rad!"

For now I'm really trying to let go of the negativity and keep my initial positivity. As mentioned I'm doing all kinds of activities to keep positive and inspired. My little bit of excitement at the moment is that I've decided to send out Christmas cards. I know it's not very green since I am overly concerned about paper consumption and carbon footprint but I have limited the amount of cards and I am only sending to a handful of friends and family just to make them feel extra special especially since they live so far away. I love snail mail, I just love it and I am thrilled to be doing this.

Otherwise, I am also trying to keep positive and excited about upcoming social events like Winex and going to Cape Town for four days.

As for Cats, I loved it and really enjoyed the singing and dancing but could anyone please tell me what the fuck it's all about?!

T.I.R.E.D

I'm exhausted. There is so much going on at the moment - good and bad. Here's a quick summary of what is happening:

Work is intense because we're on deadline.

I'm struggling to work with certain people.

We are supposed to be moving offices next week, but the sale of our company has not yet gone through.

I have a freelance article I have to polish up which I have been putting off for far too long because it is making me a bit anxious.

I have some exciting ideas which seem to be developing.

My friend is going through the toughest time and I'm trying to be a support to her but feel so utterly useless.

My skin has broken with a record amount of acne and is possibly looking the worst ever. It's depressing.

My confidence has taken a real knock and while some of my ideas develop I can't help but question myself. So irritating.

I have a hair appointment scheduled for Saturday and have decided to make a day of pampering and cash in my voucher for a free manicure and pedicure. It will be my first manicure.

I am going to watch Cats this weekend and I can't wait. I love musicals.

I'm getting paid tomorrow and it actually feels like Christmas. I am so excited!